Peace Over Panic: Supporting Without Sinking

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Hello and welcome. I am your host, Joseph Devlin, and I am glad you're here. This podcast is for the families, those spouses, the parents, the siblings, the ones who quietly carry the emotional toll of someone else's substance abuse when thinking about your loved one, if you've ever asked yourself these questions, how can I love them and still protect my peace? Or how can I stay hopeful when they keep slipping?

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This episode is for you,

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so let's get at it.

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You. All right, so today

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I'm going to talk about a story. Obviously, I'm changing the names, as I always do, for confidentiality reasons, but this story is about Diane and her husband, Marcus. Now, Marcus wasn't what people would call an alcoholic. I kept a job. He paid the bills. He went to church, but every evening he came home, and right away he would go to the refrigerator, pop open a beer. Now he drank to relax. He drank to escape. He drank to cope. And over time, the drinking got heavier. Diane tried everything. Long night conversations when he was drunk, long night conversations when he wasn't drinking, pleading and crying, even pouring bottles down the sink. For a while, he'd cut back, but then he'd fall right back into the same cycle.

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One day, Diane told me,

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I realized I had become more focused on his sobriety than my own sanity, and we both knew that was a monumental moment. That moment really woke her up. She wasn't giving up, but she knew something had to shift. She wanted to support him, yes, but without losing her own health, identity and peace. And the big question was, how was she going to do it. So we're going to discuss three shifts Diane and so many others have made. These are not tips or fixes. These are things that just had happened and worked with for Diane and other clients that I've worked with. These are foundational postures to help you stay grounded while walking with someone who's still struggling. All right, first one taking the shift from over responsibility to shared ownership, many family members take on too much responsibility. We think if I say it just right, if I stay strong, if I sacrifice more, maybe they'll stop. But the truth is, you didn't cause it, you didn't cure it. You can't cure it, excuse me, and you can't control it. What you can do is own your own part in this dance. Maybe it's been enabling, maybe it's silence, maybe it's control,

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and then step out of that pattern.

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Now back to Diane once she stopped chasing Marcus with solutions. He started facing himself more clearly, not overnight, but she was no

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longer part of the fog.

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Here's a release for you.

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Shift the emotional burden off your shoulders. Their healing is not your assignment, yours, is to stay honest and healthy. Shift number two, from emotional reaction to grounded response. Living with a heavy drinker feels like living on edge. You walk into a room and feel the air. You brace yourself for disappointment or even disaster. And it's easy to react, yelling, crying, threatening, over, explaining, but reactions often keep the cycle spinning. What helped Diane, she created space between her emotions and her responses. Instead of shouting. When Marcus came home buzzed, she went to bed instead of confronting him. The next morning, she waited until he was sober and calm. Peace is peace. Powerful calm is contagious. Something to think about. Start observing your emotional patterns. Give yourself permission to pause. You can't change them, but you can change how you show up. Three shift from fixing to witnessing this one might be the hardest. When you love someone, you want to fix what's broken you want to rescue, but sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply witness their pain without absorbing it through our time of being together, Diane said something profound, and we both knew it was life changing moment for her. She said, I stopped trying to be his Savior. I became a witness. I held space. I didn't pretend it wasn't happening, but I didn't carry it anymore. Her presence became a mirror, not a rescue rope. Eventually, Marcus did reach out for help, and part of what moved him was that Diane was still there, clear, steady and faithful, but not consumed. Something to do practice staying close without collapsing. Witness. Don't wear the weight. If you're listening to this and you're in Diane's shoes, you're not alone. Whether your loved one is in denial or deep in addiction, remember. One, you matter. Two, your mental, emotional and spiritual health matters. Three, you don't have to lose yourself in their struggle. Keep showing up with truth. Keep building your own life. Keep trusting that presence without pressure is often the most powerful invitation to change, and if you're waiting for the moment when they wake up. Know this, it might be your peace, not your pain, that finally gets their attention. If you would like guidance on how to implement these principles and even how this can be more impactful with the use of such things as effective, heartfelt phrases or other questions that help you and your loved one with a safer, more connected communication, reach out to me and are happy to be able to serve. If this episode helped you, please send it to someone who needs it, and remember, hope is never wasted. Also, if you found this episode valuable, please like it, subscribe or comment as this increases the algorithm and will send out this podcast to more and more people.

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Thank you for joining me today,

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and remember until next time sobriety is a family affair.