When They Don’t Want Help, What You Can Still Do

Hello and welcome back to family sobriety now where we speak honestly about addiction, recovery and what it means to pursue sobriety as a family, not just as individuals. I'm your host, Joseph Devlin, and today's episode, we're going to talk about something a lot of families quietly carry. What do I do when they still don't want help?

0:32

Maybe your spouse, your parents, your child or your sibling is drinking heavily, and you've tried to help, you've prayed, pleaded, cried, and even waited, but nothing's changed. Today, I want to talk about what you still can do, even when they're not ready.

0:57

So let's get at it.

1:02

All right, I want to start off by sharing a story about a family and once again, just changing the names for confidentiality reasons. But this story is about Sandra. She's a mom who I met coaching her son, Jason, had started drinking in high school, and by his late 20s, he'd been through three jobs, two breakups and one short rehab stay. Every time he got back on his feet, he'd spiral again, and Sandra was exhausted,

1:41

she told me,

1:43

I feel like I'm trying to pull him out of quicksand, but he's not even reaching out for my hand. But then she said something else, something that was really powerful. She said I stopped trying to save him, and started standing where he could see me, not yelling, not pleading, just present. And that became part of her strategy to stay emotionally available, spiritually grounded and physically healthy, not to weigh passively, but to position herself as a steady living invitation to something better

2:40

when your loved one keeps drinking, here are three things you can still do that don't require them to change. First, first, hold the mirror of reality. Don't minimize or normalize the drinking. Speak with clarity, not lectures, just truth. You can say things like this is affecting your job, or the kids notice, or you promised last time those phrases, they are not attacking. You're reflecting, and over time, truth piles up, even if they pretend it doesn't. So something you can do keep telling the truth, calmly, lovingly and repeatedly. And I know many of you have done this, and I'm just going to say repeatedly, it's that consistency that will make a

3:52

great impact.

3:56

Next build a life you're not ashamed of. Many family members shrink their own lives, really, to manage the crisis. They stop going out, they hide, they lie for their loved one, and that pain festers. And that's also what the addiction wants it wants to shrink the family. It wants to have you slowly but surely isolating yourself. But here's the thing, you're allowed to keep living, to laugh, to pursue peace, to grow spiritually, to go to counseling, to eat dinner, even if they're drunk, something you can do create a home atmosphere of dignity, not drama. This doesn't mean ignoring them. It means refusing to let their drinking shrink, even. Your spirit

5:03

and three make sobriety

5:06

attractive not shameful.

5:10

You can't force someone into sobriety, but you can make it look like something worth wanting, your stability, your boundaries, your joy, even in grief, all whisper something powerful.

5:28

There's another way to live.

5:33

Thinking of the prodigal son, he didn't return because of a sermon. He came back because he remembered his father's house was full of peace and bread.

5:49

So something you can think about is

5:52

keeping your home, your faith and your love steady even when they're far off. Just as I said in the story to start off with, right? He put yourself in the position where they can still see you, because they're looking at you anyways.

6:14

All right, and I'm going to just finish up with one last story.

6:19

This is

6:21

from a woman named Laura. Her husband. Drank heavily for over 10 years. She set boundaries. She took the kids to church alone, and never lied to cover up his behavior. I was something she worked on over the period of years, but she got to a point where she was not lying anymore to cover up his behaviors. She said, I didn't tell I didn't yell anymore. And one of the reasons why she didn't yell anymore was she just lived very well in front of him. After a health scare, he came to her and said, I knew you'd be there. You never stopped living like I could get better. That's the power of staying rooted when the other person is spinning. See, in addition to the roots, there were things in place and other things that were added so that this relationship could thrive moving forward.

7:28

If your loved one is still drinking

7:32

and not ready to stop, here's what I want you to take with you today. Hold the mirror. Keep speaking truth in love. Build your life. Don't shrink your soul to match their struggle. Make sobriety look like peace, not punishment. You don't have to scream to be heard. You just have to stay steady enough that they can see what's possible. Remember this you matter in the story, even when they don't change right away. So if you have any questions or would like guidance on how to set these principles emotions in a positive and effective manner, reach out to me, and I'd be happy to discuss how I could be of service. Thanks for listening today, and never forget, sobriety is a family affair.